


Keeping It To Myself

by madnephelite



Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Friendship, Grief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:53:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22518049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madnephelite/pseuds/madnephelite
Summary: Scenes that should have been in 3.02 Indoor Fireworks.
Relationships: Victoria Hughes/Lucas Ripley
Comments: 35
Kudos: 38





	Keeping It To Myself

**Author's Note:**

> I'm currently super frustrated with the way Vic is written and well writing is a therapy so I wrote this to make up for the lack of any of it on the show. Not that I was surprised that they didn't let Vic have a reaction to the new Chief.
> 
> So here is what went through Vic's mind in those moments while meeting the chief and at the bar with her team.

Vic looks at the screen and she can’t believe that this is the guy they chose to replace Lucas. _Her Lucas_. He looks like …

“He looks like a sex offender,” Dean blurts out and that is exactly what he looks like. 

Vic laughs because if she doesn’t she’s going to cry and that is something she can’t do. Not in front of her team. They think that she is fine. They think that she has moved on and is happily dating Jackson Avery. They think that she is over Lucas Ripley when in reality she is far from over him but she can’t let them know that because all they would do is pity her like they did after his death.

Suddenly Captain Sullivan and the new Chief are standing inside the day room and Vic jumps to her feet, fixing her clothes and staring at the guy that took over her fiance’s job and she wants to yell at him and tell him that he doesn’t deserve to wear Lucas’ uniform, that he will never be as good as Lucas but instead she makes a joke and is met with awkward silence. She introduces herself and shakes his hand and it takes everything in her not to cry because none of this is right. 

She still remembers the first time she met Lucas. It was at her graduation from the fire academy. He shook her hand and congratulated her, his blue eyes piercing into hers, his dimples showing while he smiled at her and she remembers thinking that he was hot for a chief. She remembers there being a spark when their hands touched but it was only for a second and then he moved on to the next graduate and Vic just stored it away as a weird moment between her and the Chief, her boss.

She watches as Sullivan and Dixon leave the room before asking Dean if she can move in with him when she gets fired. Part of her thinks that maybe getting fired wouldn’t be the worst thing. The station is a painful reminder of Lucas just like her apartment but she doesn’t want to leave either one because they are also a reminder of all the good times she had with him and there were so many of those in the seven months they shared together. 

She walks out of the day room and watches as Sullivan and Dixon exit the beanery. Curiosity gets the best of her as she opens the door to listen in on their conversation. Her breath hitches when she hears Dixon talk about Lucas and she suddenly sees red when he basically admits that the department was happy when he died because it gave them the chance to bring in fresh blood since Lucas was not about the publicity but about his firefighters doing their job instead of posing in front of a camera. 

Vic is so angry. Lucas died for the department. He died for one of his men. How dare the department cared so little about the man she loved. _Still loves_.

She listens as Sullivan weakly reminds Dixon that Lucas was a friend and Dixon even mocks that and it takes everything in Vic not to stomp down the stairs and punch him to a bloody pulp. 

She can’t believe that Lucas died for this. 

She closes the door again and disappears into her bunk room and the moment she locks the door, she just loses it and her knees buckle and she cries and cries. She feels like her lungs are about to collapse and she can’t breathe because suddenly all the images of Lucas running into that coffee factory come rushing back and him promising her that he was coming back to her and he did come back only to die in the end and she is angry and sad and heartbroken and she just cries and lets it all out until there are no more tears left.

She gets off the floor and looks into the mirror and chuckles because she is a hot mess. She wipes away the tears and blows her nose and sits down on her bed and just breathes. In and out. In and out.

She closes her eyes and remembers that one time when Lucas snuck into her bunk room just so he could tell her he loved her and that memory makes her smile. It makes her content and happy just like Lucas used to.

She opens the drawer of her night stand and pulls out a photo booth strip of her and Lucas. There is one photo of them being silly, one of them being serious, one of them kissing and one of them just staring into each others eyes. Vic remembers that day with fondness and smiles again before the klaxon goes off. She sighs and quickly folds the strip in half and puts it in her breast pocket to have Lucas with her.

She has no time to dwell on this because she has some lives to save. She thinks that it’s the best way to honor Lucas.

Afterwards, Vic suggests going for drinks because she doesn’t want to go home to her empty apartment. She didn’t like being alone anymore like she used to before Lucas came along. When they started going out they spent almost all of their free time together. She was hardly ever alone and she loved having him around. Her home became his home and now that home felt so empty without him there, filled with just the memory of him and some of his things. 

Vic thinks that’s why she started dating so soon after Lucas’ death because the loneliness was killing her and then she chuckles because she just sounded like a Britney Spears song. She looks at her phone and sees a message from Jackson, asking to meet up but she doesn’t want to see him and texts him that she is tired from work. She doesn’t mention that she is going out for drinks with her team because she doesn’t want him to show up at the bar. 

Vic doesn’t know if the thing with them even has a future or if she even wants a future with him. They are having fun together and he helps to distract her from the pain she still feels over losing Lucas but she more often than not still feels lonely even with him around. The only times she doesn’t feel like it is when she is with her team. _Her family_. Being with them helps and she doesn’t feel like Jackson belongs in that world. She wonders if she belongs in his. She feels like a different person when she is with him and she doesn’t know if that is a good thing. She doesn’t know if she even likes the person she is when she is with him.

She sighs as the bartender hands her a beer. She downs it in one go before ordering a second one when she suddenly hears Dixon’s voice on the television and she wants to throw the bottle at his face. That pompous ass who trash talked Lucas didn’t deserve the title Chief. Vic hears Dean and Jack complain about him and she huffs.

“I thought I was done being mad at Ripley for dying, but here I am, pissed at a dead guy,” the words are out before she can stop them and she regrets them immediately. 

She calls him Ripley in front of others because that’s who he was to them. He wasn’t Lucas to them. Lucas belongs to her and her alone.

She knows it’s not fair to be mad at him but she can’t help that she is but she's also mad at herself and Maggie and just the whole world. Lucas was supposed to still be here with her. They were supposed to be married and he was supposed to be the Chief instead he was dead and she was left with a broken heart that she didn’t know how to mend. She realizes that Lucas Ripley may have ruined all men for her because she was sure that no one would ever be as amazing as he was and that no one could ever make her feel the way that Lucas did.

She wills the tears away and instead drinks and drinks and gossips about Andy and Sullivan. She knows that it’s wrong especially since people gossiped about her and Lucas after his death and they still do on occasions but she can’t seem to stop herself and so she keeps talking and drinking until it’s really late and they have to leave the bar. 

Vic decides to walk instead of calling an Uber and she doesn’t realize it until she is standing in front of the cemetery where Lucas is buried. 

She thinks that she shouldn’t be there at this hour but she needs to see him. She needs to talk to him and so she makes her way to his grave and slumps down onto the grass.

The flowers that she brought two days ago are still in the little vase next to his tombstone. She always brings the same flowers he bought for her, the ones that were meant to tell her that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and he got to do that unlike her and suddenly she is angry again.

“How dare you just leave me here?” She yells. “Why did you just give up? Why did you sign that stupid DNR and die? Why couldn’t you fight to stay alive for me? For us,” the wipes the tears from her eyes. “But it’s not really your fault. It’s mine. I was so stupid to believe that you didn’t want me. Why didn’t I pick up my damn phone? You would still be here if only I had picked up my phone. I’m to blame for all of this. It’s my own damn fault,” she blames herself and leans against his tombstone and just cries.

She cries for minutes before she finally stops and starts talking again. “They introduced the new chief today and he is a jerk. You should have heard him. The way he talked about you. I wanted to punch him,” Vic can hear Lucas’ chuckle. “Don’t worry, I didn’t but I really wanted to. He is definitely not you. I fear that he will do a lot more damage in this department than good. He cares about the optics instead of the job,” she shakes her head. “I wish you were still here. Everything was better with you around,” she smiles sadly.

Her phone chimes and she pulls it out of her jacket and sees that it’s Jackson. She ignores it and puts the phone away. 

“He is not you, either,” she states. “I think that might be the reason why I’m dating him of all people. He can’t remind me of you because he is the exact opposite. I honestly don’t know what I’m doing, Lucas. I feel so lost at times and I don’t know if the decisions I’m making are good ones. I wish you could give me a sign that things will be okay again. That I will be okay again,” Vic makes herself comfortable on his grave.

“You wanna hear the latest gossip? So, Maya and Jack broke up and their bickering is really annoying and I only see this getting worse because Maya is determined to make Captain,” Vic huffs. “It feels like yesterday that you made her lieutenant,” Vic remembers that day and the turnout room. “Do you remember the turnout room? I don’t think you’ve ever looked hotter than in that moment and I just really wanted you. I was so happy when you locked that door and even happier when you did that thing,” Vic laughs and blushes at the memory and continues to tell him all about what’s going on in her life and at the station until she falls asleep.

The next morning, she feels someone nudge her shoulder and she slowly wakes up. She looks up and is surprised to see Dr. Pierce standing there with flowers in her hand. She slowly stands up and looks at her.

“Did you sleep here?” The doctor asks and Vic nods her head. “Does that happen often?” Vic nods again.

“Don’t tell anyone, please,” she begs her. “I feel close to Lucas when I’m here,” Dr. Pierce nods in understanding. “What are you doing here?” Vic wonders.

“I come here once a month to pay my respects to Chief Ripley,” she surprises Vic with her answer and Vic feels like an ass in that moment for dating her ex.

“I’m really sorry, Dr. Pierce, for… you know,” she tells her and the other woman smiles.

“Please, call me Maggie,” she offers and Vic smiles. “I think the two of us should talk. How about we go and have breakfast?”

Vic nods. “That sounds like a great idea, Maggie. I know this diner. Their coffee is lukewarm and their bagels are stale but that eggy thing of their is to die for,” Vic beams, making Maggie laugh.

“Sounds like a plan,” she tells her as she puts down the flowers on Lucas’ grave.

Vic smiles before kissing his tombstone. “I’ll be back, Lucas. I miss you and I love you,” she whispers before leaving with Maggie.

They walk to Maggie’s car and the doctor smiles at Vic and for a moment she wonders if Maggie is the sign that she asked for last night. She was with Lucas during his last few hours and could give her answers to so many questions. Maybe Maggie could help mend her broken heart.

  
  
  
  



End file.
